June is a long way away...

June feels so far away and the "break" isn't happening the way I'd like for it to. How am I supposed to forget about TTC when its what my life has revolved around for almost two years? I really wish that I could allow myself to be totally unaware of my body and when I'm ovulating and just be a "normal" person and a "normal" couple again. I don't know how to do that anymore though. I KNOW when I'm ovulating even when I try to lose track of time. How am I supposed to not think about trying and just relax when I dream of having an ultrasound (one that has something to look at other than follicles and an empty uterus), hearing a heartbeat, having a baby bump, decorating a nursery, and holding my child in my arms. How am I supposed to not think about it when what I want more then anything in this world is to be a mother?

If anyone has answers for me that do not include the following, please share:

1. It'll happen.
2. You're still young.
3. Just relax.
4. Don't stress about it.
5. Just believe.
etc. :P

Plans for June...

I know we are supposed to be taking a break but it's so hard to take a mental break. We're not temping or timing anything or taking any meds. But it is impossible to not think about TTC at all.

We're discussing all of our options but not making any solid decisions yet. We've thought about doing another IUI in June. We've thought about going straight to IVF (in vitro fertilization)...which would be more costly, but give us a MUCH better chance. We've even talked about adoption. Sometimes I wonder if we are meant to adopt. Part of me wants so desperately to do whatever it takes to have a biological child. Another part of me thinks about how much I want to have a child and that IUI or IVF is a huge expense with no guarantee. I wish I could see into the future and just know what to expect. This feels like a roller coaster with no end in sight most of the time.

I'm trying to enjoy the break but also feel like we're wasting time. Why does this have to be so difficult? Why can the majority of the world just get pregnant...most of which without even freaking trying except for us and the rest of the unlucky 20%. Sigh...

5 eggs + 25 million sperm = STILL NOT PREGNANT

Well, the IUI did not work. I'd be lying if I said I was anything other then devastated. I feel like all the money, time, and effort was a waste. I was on 7 different meds this cycle, had 11 shots in my stomach, blood drawn twice, three ultrasounds, time off work, and I'm at the same place I have been every other cycle. This is why I was so hesitant about the IUI...I knew I'd get my hopes way up there and that I'd be crushed if it didn't work. I knew there was a good chance it wouldn't but remained positive until the very end and really thought this would be it.

So we're taking a break for a while. I don't want to be on meds that make me feel crappy. I don't want shots in the stomach, I don't want to take off work to go to the doctors (especially for bloodwork or a transvaginal ultrasound...I think I could do it myself by now, HAHA), I don't want to wake up to pop in the thermometer every morning, and I don't want to have sex on a time schedule. Not for a while anyway. So we're taking a break until June. We're not TRYING to get pregnant. If it happens on its own, awesome! If it doesn't, fine...I'm going to try my hardest not to stress out about and to just enjoy my husband and all of the things that are going well in my life. There is some reason why it isn't happening now, I just don't know why and obsessing about it isn't helping me at all. So I'm taking a break. I want to feel like ME again instead of a failed baby making machine.

Feeling Anxious

Well, the dreaded date passed. January 28th. What would have been my due date. It was easier then I expected, mostly because I've been so busy and my thoughts have been on whether or not this IUI worked. It does make me sad to know that I could be holding a baby in my arms right now and instead I am still not pregnant. I am still waiting on my miracle.

I have been hopeful throughout the past week. Today for some reason though, I just feel in a funk. I think part of it is that I am preparing myself. I know that's an awful way to think. I just don't want to be disappointed again and I want this to work so badly. I also wish that some people would be more supportive I guess, but that's life. Chris has his hopes up more then I do right now. We'll know soon enough.