Thankful

Tonight I am so beyond thankful for the thoughtful words of a stranger. Today is the one year anniversary of us finding out that my pregnancy was ectopic. I've been moping around and feeling sorry for myself for three days. Pathetic, I know. I was just about to go to bed, and decided to check my Etsy site one more time and had a message from someone. A fellow Etsyer (yes, I made that up). She told me that she conceived her son through an IUI after 3 years of infertility. She also shared a piece of scripture with me,

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phil.4:6-7

I've been angry with God. I've felt like he is ignoring all prayer requests for and about me. I've felt abandoned. I will probably still have moments like this. But tonight I feel that God is speaking to me. I feel as though I need to stop and listen. To be thankful for all that I have in my life that is going right, and to have faith that my prayers will be answered. I want to have faith with every fiber or my being, so I am going to continue to work on that.

New Etsy Stuff

A Year Ago Today

One year ago today I drove myself to the firestation to show Chris my positive test. We were so excited that we had finally been blessed. We thought our prayers were answered. Two days later we got the worst news we could've imagined. It was ectopic.

I don't want to dwell on it today but I am feeling quiet and thoughtful. I can't believe that a year later, we are still waiting on that blessing. I can't help but wonder why God is not blessing us. I can't help but wonder why everyone around us is being blessed, while we sit on the bench. I'm sorry if I sound bitter. Maybe I am a little.

Having the ectopic pregnancy is part of our journey. I don't think I should forget it or let it go, because it is a part of this emotional rollercoaster we've been on for the past two years. I just hope the ride stops soon and we're allowed to get on a different ride. One without so many nosedives.

I guess I'm a little late on this

Well, IUI #2 ended the same as IUI #1. The current plan is to do another IUI. If it is not successful then we will likely try IVF with the frozen egg from IUI #1, along with any others the RE is able to retrieve from IUI #3...fingers crossed. We will be waiting a couple of cycles to do the IUI though, for financial reasons.

I have 10 teaching days left this school year! YAY!!! I am looking forward to my summer off to relax and get some things done that just don't happen during the school year. I know this is short, but I don't have much else to say at the moment.

And the 2WW begins!

The IUI went well. We have 2-3 eggs and 33 million sperm, WHOO HOO!!! I told my mother-in-law last night that I just need ONE to do its thing. I don't care what the other 32,999,999 do! So now, we wait. Two weeks. Sounds short, doesn't it? Two itty bitty little weeks. They do NOT feel itty bitty to us though...okay, okay-ME! HA HA!

After the IUI, the RE props the table up so that my hips are tilted and I lay there on the table for about 10 minutes. While I was laying there, feet on the table, hips elevated, Chris starts playing the Mission Impossible theme song on his phone for his sperm. You've gotta love him!

The RE wrote me a RX for prometrium also. I started it this morning. I hate the way it makes me feel! It gives me fake out pregnancy symptoms that make me nuts! I hope these two weeks go by as quickly as possible!

Saturday is the day!

We had an appointment today. The sonographer told us we had about 4 follicles that were looking good. Then the nurse came out and told us we had 2 that would ovulate and to stop the menopur and do the trigger shot tonite and come back Thursday for the IUI. YAY! No more Menopur! Then the nurse called me back a few hours later and told me that the RE looked over everything and really wants me to continue the Menopur tonite and tomorrow to give the leading follicle on the left a chance to catch up since my "left tube is better" (I'm still unsure what she meant by that since both tubes were open and looked fine during the laparascopy ??). So BOO on two more Menopur shots, LOL. Our new game plan is Menopur two more nights. HCG trigger shot Thursday night, IUI Saturday morning. Since I will only have 3 follicles, we will not be doing a retrieval this time. I was bummed a little at first because I wanted to have some extra to freeze in case we don't get pregnant this cycle. But then I remembered the not so pleasant retrieval and decided I'm okay with it. ;)

So Saturday is the day!

CD #7

We're still doing the Menopur shots, and they really aren't too bad. We went in today for an ultrasound and bloodwork. The ultrasound showed 14 decent sized follicles (ranging from 5-9mm)and more that are smaller so we will hopefully be able to have several retrieved this time and frozen. I am waiting on a call from the nurse, which I guess I'll get Monday (grr) to tell me when to come back for the next ultrasound. There's my quickie update! Thanks for all the continued thoughts and prayers. It means a lot to me.

CD #3-Femara and Menopur

Alright. For anyone who is not familiar with Menopur, here are some pictures and videos. Ignore my lovely tummy, HAHA.

Here's WebMD's information on Menopur:
This medication is used to treat certain fertility problems in women. It provides follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) and luteinizing hormone (LH) that help healthy ovaries to make eggs. This medication is usually used in combination with another hormone (human chorionic gonadotropin-hCG) to help you become pregnant by bringing about the growth and release of a mature egg (ovulation).




This is for one cycle, $628.00. Menopur (10 vials), Sodium Chloride to mix with, large needles, small needles, alcohol swabs, sharps container, and an HCG trigger shot to make me ovulate so we can time the IUI just right. I'm also taking Femara (pill). And if it works it will all be worth it!




I've never bled after the shots until today, HAHA! Chris thought he'd swab me with the alcohol afterwards, so that was me pushing his hand away. LOL

Update

Well, I started cycle #27 today. I did quite a bit of pouting about it yesterday but I'm going to try to look forward and be as positive as possible this cycle. We will be doing another IUI this month, with Femara and Menopur injections. I'll keep everyone posted. Hopefully it will work. And if it doesn't, hopefully we will have some extra eggs to retrieve and freeze and be able to do a frozen IVF cycle next, which is much cheaper. So there's the update. Thanks for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers!

Hope

Right now I'm in my two week wait...the last one before the next IUI. Out last chance of making a baby on our own without my legs being in stirrups in Dr. "Yazzie's" office (as Chris refers to him, haha). I wish that I had a lot of hope. In fact, I wish I was brimming over with it. But I'm not. If someone could tell me how to have hope after 25 failed cycles, please let me know. I know that an IUI gives us a slightly better chance of getting pregnant then we have on our own. But if I'm thinking logically...we have about a 20-30% chance of it working which means we have a 70-80% chance of it NOT working. I'm just so tired of the disappointment.

I watched a documentary last night about this lesbian couple that used donor sperm to get pregnant. They did IUIs for SIX years before getting pregnant with their first child. SIX years! I do not want to be childless in six years and watch everyone else's children go off to school while I haven't even had a baby shower! The couple really wanted their children to be full siblings and were running out of the donor sperm so the second go-round they did IVF and got PG right away. Part of me just thinks we should go straight to IVF and not waste our time with an IUI. The cost is so much more but increases our chance to about 70%. I really don't like being where we are now....making choices that can affect our outcome. Stop trying for a while, keep trying on our own, IUI, IVF, injectables, frozen eggs or fresh, adoption? I just want it to happen so my world can revolve around being a mommy instead of a mommy wannabee. I'm just frustrated. And wishing I had even a little more hope.

Back to add one thing, my next cycle will start ON or extremely close to the day my cycle that I got pregnant (and had the ectopic) last year. It would be neat to get pregnant exactly a year later. I wish I were superstitious enough to believe it was a *sign* but I'm not anymore.

Hmm...let's see if this works...

This is why I love my husband...

My husband is a goober. He bought 5 cards from me...so I now have to repost them. HAHA I am at least figuring out how paypal works though. Here is the message he sent me on Etsy:

I would really like to see your take on a "Get Well" card. Can you post some of those?

p.s. My wife and I have been trying for 2 years too with no luck, and we are thinking of possible IVF. Good Luck

~Chris

Adelle Christine

I started my own Etsy shop this weekend. For those that aren't familiar with Etsy, it's kind of like Ebay except its all handmade. I am making cards, bookmarks, tags, journaling spots, etc. I am using all profits towards infertility treatments. Even if its enough to pay for one vial of medication, it will be worth it. Plus, it keeps my mind busy. So, if you would like to buy a card, please visit: adellechristine.etsy.com

Tell anyone that you think might be interested in handmade cards also. Thanks guys!

Menopur, here I come!

So after a lot of talking and me realizing that waiting until June is just going to make me miserable...we are most likely going to go ahead with another medicated IUI next cycle. So, we are pinching every penny we have, using the rest of my insurance flexible spending, and trying again. I just feel like trying on our own is a complete waste of time. BTDT got the t-shirt, the hat, and the flip flops. So, I'll be calling the RE's office tomorrow and telling them our plans. We will be doing the shots in the tummy and Femara again most likely and hopefully this time will be successful. And if not, try and try again I suppose. So, there's the quickie update!

If only...

If only positive thinking and relaxing were THE key. If only, if only. I'm moving onto cycle 26, month 23. I just wish that my body would cooperate and do what it is supposed to do on its own. I want to hold my own little bundle of joy. I do not want to conceive my child with my feet in stirrups. I just want it to happen on its own and be in complete awe at what a miracle it is. That does not seem to be my fate. Sorry to be a downer. I'll picking myself back up off the ground, but I'm not sure it'll be today or tomorrow. Knowing that I'm approaching the 2 year mark at full speed is totally bumming me out. I'm also approaching a year since my BFP...the one that was not meant to be for what ever reason. The one that almost was...but not quite. Just out of our reach. Yeah, if only.

Changes...

I have done a lot of self evaluating and come to some conclusions about myself. I realized that I was making myself miserable. Which also made a not so happy husband. So, I've made a lot of changes. I have been listening to hypnosis CDs most nights, doing yoga most mornings, and I am consciencely thinking more positive. It has made me feel sooo much better. I realized that I could either go through this journey, miserable the entire time or I could lift my head up and make it as pleasant as possible. I'm choosing the latter.

I'm sorry to everyone I've brought down over the past several months. I am lifting myself out of this funk and I am making the effort to be happy. Really, truly happy.

I confess...

I confess:

1. I wish I were not so obsessive
2. I sometimes rest my hand on my stomach and imagine what a kick will feel like
3. I sometimes take the news of someone elses pregnancy VERY hard....where I'm at in my cycle greatly affects this.
4. I cringe when people say certain things, even when they have the best intentions (usually)
5. I cry with almost every period...it doesn't get easier
6. I am compulsive about taking pregnancy tests (and it drives Chris crazy)
7. I do wonder if we are meant to adopt and wasting our time trying to have a biological child
8. I can go from being extremely hopeful to absolutely and completely hopeless in a matter of hours
9. I wish that I didn't feel so alone in this.....but I do feel alone most of the time
10. There are a small handful of people that have just been my absolute saving grace throughout the past two years
11. I feel so much closer with Chris after going through infertility together. I never imagined we could be any closer but we are. If we can make it through this, we can make it through anything.
12. I wish I could be more positive sometimes but when I am positive....I just get more crushed in the end
13. I feel so mentally and physically worn out and partially can't wait for this journey to be over so that I can breathe
14. I cannot wait to hold my child in my arms and look into their precious little face

June is a long way away...

June feels so far away and the "break" isn't happening the way I'd like for it to. How am I supposed to forget about TTC when its what my life has revolved around for almost two years? I really wish that I could allow myself to be totally unaware of my body and when I'm ovulating and just be a "normal" person and a "normal" couple again. I don't know how to do that anymore though. I KNOW when I'm ovulating even when I try to lose track of time. How am I supposed to not think about trying and just relax when I dream of having an ultrasound (one that has something to look at other than follicles and an empty uterus), hearing a heartbeat, having a baby bump, decorating a nursery, and holding my child in my arms. How am I supposed to not think about it when what I want more then anything in this world is to be a mother?

If anyone has answers for me that do not include the following, please share:

1. It'll happen.
2. You're still young.
3. Just relax.
4. Don't stress about it.
5. Just believe.
etc. :P

Plans for June...

I know we are supposed to be taking a break but it's so hard to take a mental break. We're not temping or timing anything or taking any meds. But it is impossible to not think about TTC at all.

We're discussing all of our options but not making any solid decisions yet. We've thought about doing another IUI in June. We've thought about going straight to IVF (in vitro fertilization)...which would be more costly, but give us a MUCH better chance. We've even talked about adoption. Sometimes I wonder if we are meant to adopt. Part of me wants so desperately to do whatever it takes to have a biological child. Another part of me thinks about how much I want to have a child and that IUI or IVF is a huge expense with no guarantee. I wish I could see into the future and just know what to expect. This feels like a roller coaster with no end in sight most of the time.

I'm trying to enjoy the break but also feel like we're wasting time. Why does this have to be so difficult? Why can the majority of the world just get pregnant...most of which without even freaking trying except for us and the rest of the unlucky 20%. Sigh...

5 eggs + 25 million sperm = STILL NOT PREGNANT

Well, the IUI did not work. I'd be lying if I said I was anything other then devastated. I feel like all the money, time, and effort was a waste. I was on 7 different meds this cycle, had 11 shots in my stomach, blood drawn twice, three ultrasounds, time off work, and I'm at the same place I have been every other cycle. This is why I was so hesitant about the IUI...I knew I'd get my hopes way up there and that I'd be crushed if it didn't work. I knew there was a good chance it wouldn't but remained positive until the very end and really thought this would be it.

So we're taking a break for a while. I don't want to be on meds that make me feel crappy. I don't want shots in the stomach, I don't want to take off work to go to the doctors (especially for bloodwork or a transvaginal ultrasound...I think I could do it myself by now, HAHA), I don't want to wake up to pop in the thermometer every morning, and I don't want to have sex on a time schedule. Not for a while anyway. So we're taking a break until June. We're not TRYING to get pregnant. If it happens on its own, awesome! If it doesn't, fine...I'm going to try my hardest not to stress out about and to just enjoy my husband and all of the things that are going well in my life. There is some reason why it isn't happening now, I just don't know why and obsessing about it isn't helping me at all. So I'm taking a break. I want to feel like ME again instead of a failed baby making machine.

Feeling Anxious

Well, the dreaded date passed. January 28th. What would have been my due date. It was easier then I expected, mostly because I've been so busy and my thoughts have been on whether or not this IUI worked. It does make me sad to know that I could be holding a baby in my arms right now and instead I am still not pregnant. I am still waiting on my miracle.

I have been hopeful throughout the past week. Today for some reason though, I just feel in a funk. I think part of it is that I am preparing myself. I know that's an awful way to think. I just don't want to be disappointed again and I want this to work so badly. I also wish that some people would be more supportive I guess, but that's life. Chris has his hopes up more then I do right now. We'll know soon enough.

OMG

I am two days past ovulation. I am supposed to wait fourteen days to test. I am seriously going to go NUTS! I think this will be the longest 2WW EVER! I'm trying to keep my mind off of it as much as possible....yeah right! I so hope this works!

A Few Surprises!

The appointment went very well. The retrieval was definitely not very fun but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. They were able to retrieve one egg, out of about 7 or 8 vials from my ovaries. Which means, I ovulated early and I ovulated FIVE eggs. We discussed what to do next due to the chance of high order multiples. The RE asked how we felt about reduction if we got pregnant with multiples. He said that the cases on TV of high order multiples that all survive and have no problems is very rare for that many multiples. We decided to go ahead with the IUI anyway. We are just hoping and praying that this works AND that only one or two fertilize. The RE said he's never done an IUI on someone with five eggs that is my age. He said that we have about a 1 in 4 or 5 chance of getting PG....1 in 3 at best. 33% sounds pretty good to us.

So there's the update guys. Time will tell....

7 prescriptions and counting...

The RE called this morning. He called in FOUR more prescriptions for me, which makes 7 total this cycle (Femara, Menopur, HCG trigger, Valium-just one for the morning of the retrieval/IUI, Tylenol with Codeine, an antibiotic, and Progesterone-which I'll take for two weeks starting Tuesday). He also moved the IUI to 10:00 instead of 9:00, and told us to take the trigger shot at midnight tonight instead of at 10:30. I was planning on working but I'm thinking with the Valium and Codeine, I better not! HAHA It was weird to get a phone call from the RE instead of a nurse and on a Saturday.

So...I'll be on Monday for the next update. I hope it goes well and is over quickly! I'm also hoping that the retrieval isn't too painful. Thanks to everyone for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers! :)

The Countdown is on!

Well, I am responding VERY well to the Menopur. I had a doctors appointment yesterday and I have six follicles that are a good size! That's right! Six! Instead of popping some of them (the original plan), the doctor is going to retrieve some of the eggs and freeze them. If we get pregnant this month then we won't use them and won't pay for them. I asked if I could donate them if we don't use them, but my RE's office doesn't do that in their office yet. If we don't get pregnant this cycle, then we can do a frozen IVF cycle for about a third or fourth of the cost of a normal IVF. We are really excited to have this as an option!

So I got my last Menopur shot tonight! THANK GOD! Chris gives me an HCG injection tomorrow night and then we go in Monday morning for the retrieval and IUI. I am really excited and pretty nervous about them retrieving the eggs.

I feel like we've got such a good chance. I am staying positive. It CAN happen. :)

Holy Follicles!

Our appointment went great today. I had an ultrasound and bloodwork (my 7th prick this cycle so far-OUCH! And then I had another one a little while ago). The ultrasound tech started measuring my follicles and said, "Well, there's 4 on that side." And then moved to the right ovary. I have eight follicles all together. We left unsure of what that meant exactly. The nurse called me after the appointment and said that the RE wants me to come back Thursday for another ultrasound and more bloodwork. She said I have one "leading follicle" that is 15mm and several that are close behind. They are hoping that one or two follicles will catch up. If too many catch up then they will pop some of them before the IUI to lessen our chance of multiples. The IUI will be Friday or Saturday. I am very excited and hopeful!

Also, I listened to Barack Obama's speech in the car on the way home and was very moved. I am very proud to be an American. I think that he is going to bring about the change that this country needs. On the news they said that everyone will remember where they were on this day...I guess I will remember driving home from the drs office feeling hopeful in more ways then one.

Anxious

I am so over getting shots in the stomach. I wish I were brave enough to do them myself, but I'm not. So I am driving the the firestation for my 6th shot. I am praying that at my appointment tomorrow they tell me we can stop and do the trigger shot and the IUI soon after! I am thinking positive and hoping our prayers are answered very soon.

Thank you to everyone that has sent very encouraging e-mails over the last few days. Your support means the world to me.

On a sidenote: I am also praying for snow tomorrow! I would LOVE to have the whole day off to just focus on my drs appt.

Feeling like a pincushion

Well, after lots of indecisiveness on my part, we finally decided to go ahead with the IUI this cycle. I tried to talk Chris into waiting until June (I think mostly just cold feet about the whole thing....and being afraid of how let down I would be if it doesn't work). Chris finally said he didn't mind if we waited but I knew he really wanted to go ahead with it now. So I caved. I got brave about it and decided that it was worth the risk. I went in Tuesday for an ultrasound to measure my uterus and ovaries. And started the medications that night (Femara, a pill that I've been on before to lengthen my luteal phase and Menopur, an injection that will make me produce more eggs). So our nightly routine is for Chris to draw out 1cc of water, inject into the bottle of powdered menopur, swirl it around, pull it all back out, switch to a smaller needle, and give me a shot in my stomach (he's getting pretty good at it and I'm doing much better! It doesn't hurt bad at all, I'm just a WIMP) then I take 3 Femara pills. I'm on the Femara for 5 days total. And I take the Menopur until the dr tells me to stop. I go back on Tuesday for an ultrasound (to see how many follicles I have and to measure them) and bloodwork and they will tell me to either stop the Menopur and give myself an HCG injection to make me ovulate or they will tell me to give myself shots for X amount of days then I'll come back for another u/s and b/w and we'll go from there. After I have the HCG trigger shot, I will ovulate and come in for the IUI, where they will inject Chris' sperm into my uterus. I'm impressed with anyone who got through that all!

The nurse said that I have about a 25-30% chance that it will work. At first blush, I know that doesn't sound that great. But the average couple has about a 20% chance each month so it's a little better than a normal, unmedicated cycle. I do have a chance of multiples, but not a high chance. On paper, it says a 30% chance of multiples (with about 25% of that being twins) but the nurse said they only have about 2-3 cases of twins per year with this procedure (which to be honest, I was a little disappointed about...yes, I'm crazy and would LOVE twins). They want me to produce 2-3 eggs. The nurse also told us that with my age and our situation (no known factors...unexplained infertility) that we would have about a 70% chance of success with one IVF cycle. That really made me feel better. I am trying to tell myself that it WILL work. I am not even thinking about the "if it doesn't" right now. It does me absolutely NO good at all. I am telling myself "it IS going to work"...."all this money is going to be SOOO worth it"...."our prayers are finally going to be answered." Otherwise, I don't think I could mentally take all of this right now.

I am so thankful for everyone that has been truly there for me. If I were not surrounded by those that have been so caring, understanding, and supportive I don't know how I would have gotten through the past 19 months of trying. Thank you for the e-mails, phone calls, and genuine support. Those are the people I have to surround myself with. I love you guys!

Thoughts of the Day...

Two totally unrelated thoughts really...

The first, light in subject. Chris and I were watching "In The Womb: Dogs" tonite. It was really interesting and I think it was partly because I know so much about the human reproductive system and was able to compare the two. I think what I found the most interesting was that it takes 17 days for a fertilized egg to implant. In humans, it takes 7-10 days...which means we can get a positive pregnancy test at 14 days past ovulation (textbook.....we can really get them earlier then that, 12 is a pretty common number). This dreaded time, as any of you have dealt with infertility know (or any of you that are close friends with me, haha) is referred to as the dreaded 2WW (two week wait). I'm glad that we aren't like dogs or it would be the 3WW!!! Now, I know that the difference in a week may not sound like a big deal at all but OMG! I would not be able to stand it! Two weeks is unbearable at times.

Second, an online friend had a drs appt earlier today (she just found out she is pregnant again). She has had five miscarriages. Five. In two years. She hasn't checked in so we're all obviously concerned. I've been thinking about her and praying for her all day. I just can't wrap my brain around it. I don't understand why someone, especially someone that would make an amazing mother, should have to go through so much pain. I don't understand why there are so many unfit parents out there when there are so many couples that would give ANYTHING to be able to start their families. It doesn't make sense to me at all. Sometimes when I hear someone treating their kid like crap in public (and I'm not talking about disciplining their child, I mean when its someone that is on the verge of verbal abuse...and I notice it now WAY more then I used to), I just want to walk over to them and tell them to stop. To tell them that they don't deserve to have a child. They don't deserve to be blessed. That I would give my right arm to be blessed with a child.

I hope that everything is okay. All we can do is hope and pray.

Arithmetic

If I hadn't had an ectopic, I would be due in 26 days. 26. I would have my nursery completed, bags packed, and my belly would be about maxed out. It crushes me to think about it, but as January 28th gets closer, I can't help but think about it more and more.

We started trying to have a baby in 2007. It is now 2009 and if we don't get pregnant in the next few months, we won't even have an '09 baby. Why does it matter? It doesn't really. I just wish I could stop myself from figuring it out constantly.

Every month I know what my due date would be IF it were THE cycle I got pregnant. I think about reasons why it would be great timing. If I were pregnant THIS cycle, my due date would be September 24th. It would be perfect because I would be pregnant before my first due date rolled around. It would be perfect because I would be able to get my classroom in order and in a routine before I went out on maternity leave. It would be perfect because it wouldn't be too hot or too cold. It would be perfect because I could spend the whole summer getting the room ready for our new addition. Every month is perfect for different reasons. I just hope we get our perfect soon.